Unlearning people pleasing
“Do what your elders say.” That’s what I was always told in my family. “Follow your dreams,” and “live freely,” were just the cheesy quotes I read online.
Just two years ago, if I had to tell my personal story about people pleasing, this would be a completely different post. I used to bend to my family’s every wish. Sing carnatic music? Yep, on it. Dance? I hate it, but sure, why not? It’ll make them happy. Wear long pants? I guess I could, even though it’s burning hot. Pray? Okay, I can believe in Hinduism. Don’t touch anything while you’re on your period? I’m a woman, I’m disgusting. Of course, I won’t touch anything for you. I will speak, eat, talk, live, and breathe the way you want me to.
And these tendencies transferred over to the rest of my life. I started to notice that I was losing myself in all of my relationships. I wasn’t sure of anything anymore- I just spoke about what the other person wanted to hear. I didn’t have “favorites,” I just made them up as I went through my day. Tailoring my personality to each person I met and engaged with became my trademark.
Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely adore my family. They are beautiful people with vibrant futures ahead of them, and the elders are wise and have lived through so much to make my life possible. I have nothing but respect and endless love for them. But, freeing myself from their daunting expectations that I just didn’t agree with most of the time allowed me to create my own path and journey in life. My main purpose in life changed from pleasing everyone else to pleasing myself along with others. I have a long way to go for unlearning people pleasing completely, but I am in a place now where I can acknowledge the issue and hopefully get to an even better place.
WHAT IS PEOple pleasing?
So, what exactly is people pleasing? People pleasing, at its core, involves prioritizing the desires and expectations of others above one’s own. It often stems from a fear of rejection, criticism, or conflict, leading individuals to go to great lengths to ensure harmony and approval from those around them. However, the price we pay for people-pleasing can be exorbitant. By constantly seeking external validation and neglecting our own needs, we gradually erode our self-worth and diminish our personal growth. The negative impact can manifest as stress, anxiety, and a persistent feeling of being disconnected from our true selves.
To cultivate true authenticity and self-empowerment, unlearning these tendencies is key. When we consistently suppress our genuine thoughts, desires, and values, we deny ourselves the opportunity to express our true selves. Authenticity, on the other hand, allows us to establish deeper connections with others, as we are seen and appreciated for who we genuinely are. Moreover, unlearning people-pleasing empowers us to set boundaries, make decisions aligned with our values, and pursue personal goals that contribute to our overall well-being. By breaking free from the shackles of people pleasing, we reclaim our autonomy and take control of our lives. It may seem like an effective strategy to gain social acceptance, but it certainly has many drawbacks.
understanding people pleasing
As we have discussed, people pleasing refers to the tendency to prioritize the approval and acceptance of others over one’s own needs and desires. It often stems from childhood conditioning, where pleasing authority figures was emphasized as a means of gaining love and validation. Especially in South Asian and East Asian communities, we can see a strong presence of these tendencies. Additionally, societal expectations that promote conformity and avoid conflict contribute to the development of people pleasing behavior.
People pleasers typically exhibit common signs such as the following.
- Excessive agreeableness
- Strong desire to avoid conflict
- Difficulty saying no
- Inclination to put others’ needs before their own
- Seek validation and approval from others
- Fear rejection or disapproval
- Struggle with asserting their own boundaries and desires.
People pleasing can have detrimental effects on mental health and self-esteem. Constantly prioritizing the needs of others can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, and a sense of being overwhelmed. The tendency to suppress one’s own desires and opinions can erode self-esteem, as individuals may feel disconnected from their authentic selves and struggle to assert their own worth and value.
Recognizing the need for change
Identifying when people pleasing behaviors come up is one of the keys to unlearning these behaviors. Next time you find yourself fearful to say no or of getting rejected, reflect, and ask yourself why you are scared of those factors. Going through therapy, one of the biggest things I’ve learned, and still am learning about, is how to take those emotions- big scary unexplainable bundles of messes- and translate them into words and actions that helped me understand them better. Though I’m not perfect at this, logically trying to reason to myself why I have trouble with a certain boundary or why I seek validation so much has helped me gain a deeper understanding as to how my background impacted my present, and how I can change my future.
A lot of this comes from your own self awareness in initiating the change process with your people pleasing behaviors. I knew that I was a so-called “people pleaser” long before I decided to actually do anything about it. I would casually pass it by in jokes, but once I gained an understanding as to why these behaviors were toxic and how they were hurting not only my personal and professional relationships, but also my relationship with myself, I decided that it was time to take some time to actively work on it.
Challenging beliefs & Assumptions
To unlearn people-pleasing, it is important to identify and question the underlying beliefs that drive this behavior. For a long time, seeking external validation from my family was just a norm. I needed it to survive. My worth had always been decided by other family members, so that was all I knew. By examining these beliefs and challenging their validity, we can start to reshape their mindset and develop healthier perspectives on self-worth and personal fulfillment.
Societal norms and expectations play a significant role in perpetuating people pleasing tendencies. There is often pressure to conform, avoid conflict, and prioritize the needs and expectations of others. Challenging these norms involves questioning their validity and considering alternative ways of relating to others and yourself. Recognizing that individual authenticity and self-expression are valuable contributions to society can empower individuals to break free from the cycle of people-pleasing and forge their own path based on their genuine desires and values.
setting boundaries & Saying "no" as a people pleaser
Setting healthy boundaries is essential for maintaining healthy relationships and fostering personal well-being. It involves clearly defining and communicating our limits, needs, and expectations to others. By establishing boundaries, we can create a sense of safety, respect, and balance in their interactions, which ultimately leads to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.
In high school, saying “no” was basically nonexistent for me. I joined over 15 student organizations and nonprofits. I thought I had the time, I mean it was COVID era. I found myself unable to be assertive in the workplace, and this slowly began eroding at my skills themselves. My quality of work decreased, which further perpetuated a cycle of depression. And, this is still something I struggle with- I realize that it’s completely okay to still struggle with it. It’s a hard skill to develop, and I appreciate that I’m trying. Give yourself grace.
Tips on how to say “no”:
- Be clear and direct: Clearly state your response and keep it concise and straightforward.
- Use “I” statements: Express how you feel or what you need without blaming or criticizing the other person.
- Offer alternatives if possible: If you cannot fulfill a request, suggest an alternative solution or offer help within your own boundaries.
- Practice in advance: If saying “no” feels challenging, rehearse your response or write it down to gain confidence.
- Remember, it’s okay to prioritize yourself: Recognize that saying “no” is not selfish but necessary for your well-being.
celebrating progress & practicing self kindness
In my personal mental health journey, I have realized how far I have come in just a year and a half. I feel like a completely different person. Though I have a long way to go, celebrating coming this far has allowed me to appreciate myself and give myself more breaks. Unlearning people pleasing is a long process, but celebrating milestones has made it easier to see that there’s no set end goal; it’s always just growing and learning from experiences. C’est la vie.
I’ve also learned that practicing self kindness and prioritizing self care is vital for maintaining overall well-being and reinforcing healthy boundaries. It involves engaging in activities that nourish and rejuvenate the mind, body, and spirit. This can include practicing mindfulness, engaging in hobbies and interests, seeking support from loved ones, and setting aside time for relaxation and self-reflection. Additionally, exploring activities that foster self-compassion and personal growth, such as therapy, self-help books, or pursuing new skills, can empower individuals to prioritize their own needs and desires.
When I practice self kindness, I try to do it throughout the day, in the words I use to speak to myself and others, and what activities I choose to do. Being mindful of choosing things that are productive, but also allow me to rest has been a key part to finding a balance in my life. For example, after a full work day, sitting and making bracelets or finishing a jigsaw puzzle is fun, but if I’m already tired, I love just laying in my bed and binge watching a tv show on Netflix.
Unlearning people pleasing is a key part to your personal growth. It all starts with recognizing the tendencies in your life, and encouraging yourself to start this journey of self discovery and empowerment. Take steps, such as attending workshops or therapy, or simply journaling, to discover what parts of your people pleasing exist, where they come from, and how you can unlearn them.
We Rise Therapy and Wellness hosts workshops frequently, and Hema Solanki, LPC, LCSW recently hosted one on Unlearning People Pleasing! Missed it? No worries, We Rise is committed to hosting more events going forward, so click here to find more information on how you can get involved!
If you’re looking into therapy options, check out We Rise Therapy to learn more.