Setting Healthy Boundaries During Holiday Gatherings
We’re nearing the end of December, and the most gathering-filled time of year. From Christmas dinners with families and holiday parties with friends, this season is bound to get hectic. And, if we’re not busy, our empty calendars can bring up bouts of FOMO and loneliness. Regardless of what situation you are in, it’s crucial to set healthy boundaries with family, friends, and even yourself, and recognize your needs during the holiday season. Serve yourself first this year, even if that may feel unnatural or uncomfortable. You deserve to love yourself and care for yourself how you need to.
Understanding Boundaries & Recognizing Your Needs
Growing up in a South Asian family, I didn’t understand boundaries at all. I was not one person, but rather a part of a collective who I lived with and for. Serving others in my family was our priority, never ourselves. This notion of self care being selfish became a norm. So, setting boundaries was seldom a thought that crossed my mind.
Setting personal boundaries is important in creating happy and healthy relationships. As the University of California at Berkeley defines them, “Personal boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable opening themselves up to intimacy and close relationships.” The definition sounds so simple, and honestly easy, but when I tried to practice setting boundaries, I quickly fell apart. Setting boundaries is a process and it takes time to learn. That’s what we’re here for.
There are a few different types of boundaries: physical, emotional, time, topic. Physical boundaries may be distancing yourself physically from a certain party or gathering or perhaps even people themselves. Emotional boundaries are limits that you can place on what types of energies and emotions you share with others. Time boundaries may involve stating you would have time another day to hang out or help someone, or stating you would only hang out for an hour today. Topic boundaries are when you limit the type of topics you discuss with someone. These can all be very rigid or porous, which can involve many restrictions or no restrictions at all. We want to be in the healthy boundaries part of this spectrum.
Boundaries are crucial in maintaining mental and emotional well-being. So, how do we achieve these seemingly unachievable healthy boundaries. The first step is reflecting on your personal needs and priorities. Here are a few questions to ask yourself.
- Are you going to feel emotionally drained after being around these people?
- What motivates you to go to this gathering? Do you like your reasoning for it?
- Do you have time today to meet? Or would you rather meet another day?
- Do you have the mental energy and space today to meet?
- Is this person going to bring up topics that may trigger you?
- Is this conversation about a topic I cannot handle talking about worth me being here, damaging my emotions?
- Am I prioritizing myself right now? If not, how can I prioritize myself so that I am in a healthy enough space to interact with myself and others?
During this reflection period, identify your potential stressors and topics you would like to avoid during holiday gatherings as well. Note mentally when you would want to walk away from a conversation. When will you say “no” to someone? What energies do you want to give yourself and to others?
Without identifying these important mental, emotional, and physical needs, stress and anxiety are very common. Prior to setting my own boundaries, I found myself drowning in people pleasing tendencies and forgetting to actually think about what I needed at gatherings. It took me a long time to understand that my needs were not selfish, they were simply needs, like water, food, and shelter. Mental nourishment is just as important, and it’s time we start setting boundaries to ensure our energy is being conserved and directed to the right places.
Communicating Effectively
Once you know where you want to set boundaries, it’s time to work on communicating them effectively. The key is to be open, honest, and assertive about your emotional needs, while also not being too aggressive. Assertiveness is not necessarily always a bad thing- it is helpful in ensuring that you are communicating that you are confident in your needs. Becoming aggressive is when people you are talking to tend to shut down and may take offense to your boundaries that you are setting. Politely expressing boundaries and making sure others know it’s not personal, it’s simply something you need is really important. Here are some tips on how you can politely express boundaries.
- Use “I” statements.
- Express appreciation.
- Offer an alternative.
- Choose the right time and place.
- Use nonverbal cues.
- Practice active listening.
Setting Boundaries with Family & friends
For me, setting boundaries with my family and friends was the hardest part about this process. Families often have certain expectations for the way you interact with each other, which makes it a bit more difficult when you want to express that you need a change. Families also often consist of many different personalities with many different values and needs. Employ the same strategies as above to communicate your boundaries with empathy and respect, while also being direct and honest. Stay true to what you need.
Friends are important to have a healthy social life. Humans are social creatures, so it makes sense to want and need friends in our life, even if some of us are introverted. That being said, finding a balance between socializing and caring for yourself or finding alone time is really important in having a healthy relationship with not just others, but yourself. Boundaries can help prevent conflict or overstepping, and provide a way for you to preserve your individuality and protect the time you need for yourself.
Managing Social Pressures
Holiday gatherings can cause peer pressure and other unwanted emotions. To deal with peer pressure, know your limits, and when you feel like you’ve reached them, plan for an exit strategy. Perhaps recruit a friend to help you out with a code word that you decide on prior to the gathering.
Saying “no” to people without feeling guilty is one of the hardest things to do in a social setting. I try to use a positive reframe to remind myself that I’m not just saying “no”; I’m saying “no, but instead.” During social gatherings, it’s hard to go against the crowd, but remind yourself that you are just as important as everyone else in your group, and that means you have a voice, and sometimes, speaking up can bring you a whole lot closer together.
Creating a Restorative Care Plan
During this time of year, it’s vital to have a restorative care plan in place in between all of the events and gatherings. List some restorative care practices that work for you and schedule them as non-negotiables for the next two weeks. Allocating this time for relaxation and rejuvenation for your mind and body can be beneficial to your mental, physical, and emotional health.
You may also want to incorporate restoration into your holiday routines. It may looks different for everyone. For you, this may be cuddling on your couch with a soft blanket and heavenly delicious hot chocolate or maybe you prefer to spend some time pampering yourself with some skin care. Create holiday rituals for yourself that focus on your self care and wellbeing, and make it a tradition.
In the end, turn off your phone and be present during holiday gatherings. It’s a time to reconnect with your family and friends. But, also recognize that sometimes you need to show up for yourself and set boundaries to reserve time to take care of yourself. You don’t always have to feel joyful for the holidays. Set boundaries as you feel the ups and downs that come with this time of year.