In-law relationships are essential to marriages and often affect how things work between couples. For South Asian and Asian couples, these relationships can be complicated because of the deep-rooted cultural values and traditions that emphasize family unity and caring for family members, including in-laws.
While in-law relationships can provide support and strengthen family bonds, they can also come with unique challenges that test the resilience of a marriage.
If you live with or interact with in-laws regularly, these tips will make your life easier and more enjoyable.
Signs In-Laws Are Affecting Your Relationship
Difficult relationships with your in-laws, especially if their negative actions are persistent and bothersome, can cause stress and anxiety that can affect your marriage. Here are the telltale signs that your in-laws are negatively impacting your relationship.
- You talk about your in-laws most of the time: Talking about your challenging in-laws all the time with your partner is usually a sign of problems. If most of your conversations revolve around disagreements and issues related to your in-laws, it’s a sign that these interactions are straining your relationship. Regular fights, especially ones involving your in-laws, can create tension and unresolved disputes that damage your emotional connection.
- You doubt your ability to make decisions: If, let’s say, your mother-in-law constantly gives you random suggestions on managing your family or criticizes your decisions, you and your partner may doubt your decision-making abilities and lose faith in your choices. This may cause one or both partners to depend entirely on their in-laws for all major and minor decisions.
- Constant fights over proper boundaries: If your partner’s family often intrudes on your personal space and privacy, like visiting your place uninvited or unannounced, you may feel the need to create boundaries. But your spouse may not affirm this because they’re family. If your partner dismisses the issue and does nothing, you may feel frustrated and resent him/her. It can also risk the unity between you and your partner.
- Your alone time is threatened: Amid professional duties, housework, and taking care of the kids, you and your spouse have little time to spend together. When your in-laws invade this valuable time with compulsory family gatherings and constant calls, the chance to bond with your partner becomes non-existent.
Using your weekends, evenings, and any other free moments to attend to the demands of your partner’s family can significantly strain your relationship. This can leave you feeling exhausted and disconnected. Over time, this can lead to resentment towards your spouse, especially if they fail to recognize or address the impact their family’s demands are having on your relationship.
How to Deal with In-Laws in South Asian and Asian Marriages: Advice from a Couples Therapist
Dealing with difficult in-laws can significantly impact your marriage, often in subtle ways that may not be immediately obvious. Here are expert tips to manage them and achieve a healthy relationship:
1. Put your marriage first
You and your spouse need to support each other and have open lines of communication when dealing with difficult in-laws, despite what happens. You need to lean on each other as a couple and work out a mutually agreeable role the in-laws play in your marriage. Even if nothing changes with the in-laws, you will feel better and deal with challenges more easily since you know you have each other’s backs.
Remember that you two are a team. You should show a unified front when resolving conflicts with each other’s relatives.
2. Set healthy boundaries
The major fundamental truth that most married couples may agree on is that having clear and healthy boundaries is key to a good in-law relationship.
One important aspect of setting boundaries is respecting and maintaining your own “space” as a couple and family. Young married couples and those with local relatives, in particular, may tend to yield to the customs and preferences of their in-laws when it comes to gatherings and holidays. However, it’s important that each couple establish their own traditions and rituals.
Think of celebrating Diwali at your house with your family or taking a vacation with your spouse instead of attending your in-laws’ festivities. This will allow you and your partner to establish your family instead of your relatives.
3. Have open and respectful communication
Open and respectful communication is key when dealing with difficult in-laws. You and your spouse need to discuss your feelings and concerns honestly, without fear of judgment. This transparency helps ensure that both partners understand each other’s perspectives and can work together to find solutions.
When discussing in-law issues, approach the conversation with empathy and respect. Avoid blaming or criticizing your spouse’s family; instead, focus on how certain behaviors or situations make you feel. This can help prevent defensiveness and encourage a more productive dialogue.
Regularly check in with each other to address any new issues that arise and reaffirm your commitment to supporting one another. Maintaining open and respectful communication can also strengthen your relationship and create a united front in dealing with in-law challenges.
4. Exercise self-control and kindness
While in-law relationships can be excellent, they can also be stressful. You may disagree on different topics, and your in-laws may even criticize your parenting. While it’s okay to set boundaries and choose not to be demeaned, self-control may also be beneficial in heated moments.
Sometimes, your in-laws may offer suggestions or opinions that won’t work for you. Rather than responding emotionally, practicing a neutral reaction that may be “pulled out” in these situations is a good idea. Try saying, “That’s a good idea” or “We’ll think about it.” If your in-laws remain persistent, try using a kind “conversation ender” like “That’s an interesting idea, but we prefer it this way” or “Thanks, but we find this one more productive now.”
Remember that your children are constantly listening and watching. It’s, therefore, important to be kind in your interactions with family members and extended relatives.
Even if you don’t think your in-laws treat you with the same dignity, always greet them with kindness and maintain a respectful tone. Nobody wins if you strive to treat people the way they treat you. Be different.
5. Accept your in-laws as they are
Your in-laws won’t change, so accepting who they are is important. Understand that your in-laws have their own values, habits, and behaviors, which may not always align with your preferences.
Instead of focusing on their shortcomings or differences, consider how your interactions might improve if you approach them with acceptance. Check your triggers and frustrations and work on managing your responses, letting yourself feel your emotions without being overwhelmed.
Trying to change your in-laws will only lead to more tension and conflict. Instead, focus on building a relationship that works for both of you to create a more positive and harmonious family dynamic.
6. Seek advice and support
If you’re having trouble dealing with your in-laws, seeking help from a third party with unbiased advice is essential. This person can be a relative or a friend on the other side of the conflict. They will provide you with fair support and advice.
If your negative feelings toward your in-laws are distressing or making it difficult for you to go about your life normally, see a mental health professional. They can help you examine the distress these relationships are causing you and help create constructive coping mechanisms.
How Couples Therapy Can Help South Asian and Asian Marriages Deal with In-Law Relationships
Dealing with in-law relationships can be a huge source of stress and tension in a marriage. It can be even more challenging for South Asian couples because of the unique cultural expectations. At We Rise Therapy and Wellness in New Jersey, we understand these complexities and offer specialized couples therapy to help you manage these challenges.
Our practice provides a safe and confidential space to discuss issues related to your in-laws openly. We have skilled therapists who work with diverse cultural backgrounds and can offer guidance tailored to the specific dynamics of Asian families. We help couples explore the causes of conflict with their in-laws and develop effective communication strategies to address these issues.
You can also get individual therapy services dedicated to helping you handle personal and relationship challenges, providing the care and guidance you need to build a stronger, more resilient marriage.
We offer virtual therapy sessions, making it convenient to access support from the comfort of your home. Whether you’re dealing with in-law issues or other relationship challenges, our virtual services offer the help you need, regardless of location.
If you’re in New Jersey and facing difficulties with in-laws, We Rise Therapy and Wellness is here to support you on your journey toward a healthier relationship.
Contact us today to schedule a consultation and take the first step toward having a lasting, happy marriage. You can also call us at (973) 370-2290.
